No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
