he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
