ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
