I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
