You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
