i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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