i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
