Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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