I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Acid is not a monday night drug
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
