Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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