i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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