I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My pussy is not your playground.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
