im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
