I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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