david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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