i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
