Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize