K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize