i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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