This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
