Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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