I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Watching her eat just hurts me
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize