dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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