i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
