I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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