Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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