the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
