my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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