I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm like, not good at living.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
