Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I currently don't understand fingers.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
