umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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