saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Hippo gnu deer
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
