In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
