He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
