You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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