i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
