yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
