I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize