i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
