If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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