Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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