I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
