someone owes me an orgasm
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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