I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
