We won't sleep together?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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