Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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