if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
