I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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