dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize