i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
