Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
