I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
