Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she pinky promised me she was 18
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
