Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
