i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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