my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
