Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
