i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
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