that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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