You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize